Juno I'm Right.

Ok, now that the Hammer issue has been dealt with, I finally feel free to move on with my life. So let me just mention the Oscars.  I don't know if I'm so bitter and dried up now that I feel the need to be super-cynical about everything, but I just read that Ellen Paige, female star of Juno, received an Oscar nomination for Best Actress. Did you see this movie? I basically spent the first 30 minutes feeling so irritated that I wanted to barf, but I guess that was the writer's fault, because the words coming out of Juno's mouth were so stupid and gimmicky. However, when you choose a pen name like "Diablo Cody" I think it's pretty obvious that you're stupid and gimmicky in general.  Not to be judgmental or anything.  My least favorite moments include her telling the dog to "shut its gob" or something to that effect (which reminded me of something I'd write, specifically to be funny and weird, at age 14), and a painfully forced phone call to her friend which I guess was supposed to show just how quick-witted Ms. Cody, ahem, I mean, Juno, was supposed to be.  

But back to the performance in question.   I saw Ellen Paige in Hard Candy  where she also played a "precocious" teen, and so this role, for me--and I guess the other six people who saw Hard Candy--was nothing surprising. I guess the truth is that I'm just not very fond of this girl and her weird, cartoon-bear mouth area.  Seriously, what is the deal with her mouth area?  This is Garden State all over again.  Look at us, we like quirky "indie" flicks!  The Academy has street cred, yo! 

I guess you could say I know nothing about writing a screenplay, or about the art of acting, and I guess you'd be right.  But if I have to pay $9 and sit through a couple hours watching this stuff, which was made for people like me (I think), I'd say that's about all the information I need to have an opinion about it.  And overall I did like the story, but the best parts for me involved Jason Bateman and Jennifer Garner, who basically made me want to weep every time they came on screen. I guess it's because I'm getting old now and don't care about teenagers' antics anymore, just the sad, empty adults around them.  Or because they were the only real characters in the whole movie. Also I am in love with Jason Bateman. And Jennifer Garner, in a platonic way. How can she be so cute and not inspire any hatred? Where the hell is her nomination? I mean, if Ellen Paige gets one, then so should she.  If there was no Jennifer Garner, the movie would have felt pretty flat to me.

Oh, and a sign the apocalypse is drawing ever closer: the Moldy Peaches were on the View yesterday, singing the last song from the movie, and how do you think an audience full of old ladies swooning over the likes of Joy Behar and Elisabeth Hasselbeck responded? I'm pretty sure they were just confused.  (Or frightened, like the Moldy Peaches.)

To make up for my bitchiness please enjoy:

Swiffer, She Wrote

Well, it has taken me nigh six months to unravel the M.C. Hammer-Swiffer mystery.  First of all, in recalling the commercial, I had inadvertently combined two separate Swiffer commercials into one and for that I blame countless hours of watching tv, which has clearly left me with nothing more than what I affectionately refer to as "television gut" and early onset Alzheimer's (I regret nothing).  It's a catch-22 situation.   But since some genius has posted said commercial online, you can finally judge for yourself: 

As you can see, the defendant is not a soggy mop as I had described earlier (the soggy mop is too busy for these kinds of shenanigans--he's participating in a political debate), but rather a sad, impotent broom.  All that is beside the point, though, because I'm sure you'll agree that Mr. Broom's lawyer is irrefutably M.C. Hammer, Esquire.  And to that I say bravo, Mr. Hammer, it's good to see you working.  Indeed, it is Hammer Time once again.