Halloween Has Come Early to NBC

I guess I had pretty low expectations when I sat down to watch NBC’s new series, Fear Itself, a reincarnation of Showtime’s Masters of Horror. When I was younger I loved shows like Tales From the Darkside and Friday the 13th, but I was a lot easier to scare back then and now for whatever reason the idea of a successful horror series seems unlikely. It’s way too easy and tempting--if the majority of horror movies are any example--to try and disguise a weak story, crummy script and/or poor acting with a deluge of blood and guts. And sometimes that actually works, especially if it’s tongue-in-cheek.

I really don’t want to trash this show because it would be fun to see something so different succeed on a major network, but it might be dangerously close to taking itself too seriously. This week’s episode, “The Sacrifice,” featured four criminal-types on the run who end up in some weird, quasi-Amish log cabin compound inhabited by three alluring sisters. It’s clear that something isn’t quite right and before long the blond beauties are doing some fiendish things to the men. But in the end you have to just have to forgive them . . . they’ve simply been protecting the outside world by feeding strangers to the vampire who followed their family from Romania (you know, one of those pesky, undead stowaways).

Despite the corny-looking vampire (who, thankfully, you only catch a few glimpses of) I did find myself wanting to stick around until the end. That in itself can be quite a feat, so I’m willing to give it another chance next week. And with a new director and cast every week, maybe things will just keep getting scarier.

A Swing. . . And a Miss!

Summer, for the avid television viewer, can be a desert of boredom and frustration, a seemingly endless parade of reruns and new disappointments. Fall can never come fast enough. But there are those shows that appear on the horizon like a shimmery oasis, a lush promise of 30 to 60 minutes of entertainment. Swingtown beckoned my inner voyeur, promising not just scintillation, but humor and wit as well.

But alas, it was no oasis, only a mirage. Swingtown mostly just creeped me out. The main swingers on the block, Tom Decker (Grant Show) and his wife Trina Decker (Lana Parrilla) seem more like sexual predators than a couple looking for some fun. The show opens with a threesome involving the Deckers and a klutzy young stewardess but before she’s even left the house, Mrs. Decker is already spying on the new neighbors and planning to put the moves on them.

The characters all felt flat to me: the calculating, over-sexed swingers, their innocent neighbors just waiting to be “educated,” the prude, the cokehead with a controlling husband and of course, all their children. Adolescent boys sneaking peeks at stolen copies of Penthouse, the dreamy high school girl waiting to be deflowered, all of them in the throes of sexual awakening . . . snore.

I have to say, I was bored. We’ve seen these themes and these characters before, and the bell-bottoms, huge sunglasses, and kitschy 70s décor weren’t enough to make it work. The show failed to explore the inevitable awkwardness and hilarity of its premise, leaving viewers with a gimmicky show lacking the kind of humanity that keeps us glued to the screen. Not to harsh your buzz.

Is Kelly Ripa Pregnant?

I know I’m jumping to conclusions, but someone is bound to say it and it might as well be me. This morning I was checking out the morning news online and listening to Regis and Kelly with half an ear when something piqued my interest: a vague teaser inviting viewers to tune in next week for a “big announcement.” And that was it. Neither Regis nor Kelly acknowledged it, and it wasn’t repeated before the end of the show. I’ve checked their site and can’t find any mention of it there, either. So while I’m not a gung-ho fan of the show, I now feel intrigued enough to tune in every day next week to find out if my hunch is right. What can I say? I’m committed.

Maybe I’m not being very imaginative in guessing that Kelly might be pregnant with her fourth child. I’m sure there are other exciting things the show could be announcing, but I just can’t think of any. Is Gelman going blond again? Will the show be broadcast from a bowling alley in Staten Island for a week?

Of course there details that don’t seem to support my hypothesis: while Kelly often wears drapey, loose-fitting tops, I still can’t spot anything that could be called a baby bump--so why make the announcement before she’s even showing? And at the beginning of the show she was talking with relish about drinking sangria tonight at a dinner party.

That said, Ms. Ripa was quoted in the June 9 issue of US Weekly as saying that a fourth child isn’t out of the question--in fact, it’s a topic she and husband Mark Consuelos talk about “all the time.” So maybe there’s a chance I’m right. Or I could be just another useless cog in the gossip mill. Either way, I’ll keep you posted!