Halloween Has Come Early to NBC

I guess I had pretty low expectations when I sat down to watch NBC’s new series, Fear Itself, a reincarnation of Showtime’s Masters of Horror. When I was younger I loved shows like Tales From the Darkside and Friday the 13th, but I was a lot easier to scare back then and now for whatever reason the idea of a successful horror series seems unlikely. It’s way too easy and tempting--if the majority of horror movies are any example--to try and disguise a weak story, crummy script and/or poor acting with a deluge of blood and guts. And sometimes that actually works, especially if it’s tongue-in-cheek.

I really don’t want to trash this show because it would be fun to see something so different succeed on a major network, but it might be dangerously close to taking itself too seriously. This week’s episode, “The Sacrifice,” featured four criminal-types on the run who end up in some weird, quasi-Amish log cabin compound inhabited by three alluring sisters. It’s clear that something isn’t quite right and before long the blond beauties are doing some fiendish things to the men. But in the end you have to just have to forgive them . . . they’ve simply been protecting the outside world by feeding strangers to the vampire who followed their family from Romania (you know, one of those pesky, undead stowaways).

Despite the corny-looking vampire (who, thankfully, you only catch a few glimpses of) I did find myself wanting to stick around until the end. That in itself can be quite a feat, so I’m willing to give it another chance next week. And with a new director and cast every week, maybe things will just keep getting scarier.

A Swing. . . And a Miss!

Summer, for the avid television viewer, can be a desert of boredom and frustration, a seemingly endless parade of reruns and new disappointments. Fall can never come fast enough. But there are those shows that appear on the horizon like a shimmery oasis, a lush promise of 30 to 60 minutes of entertainment. Swingtown beckoned my inner voyeur, promising not just scintillation, but humor and wit as well.

But alas, it was no oasis, only a mirage. Swingtown mostly just creeped me out. The main swingers on the block, Tom Decker (Grant Show) and his wife Trina Decker (Lana Parrilla) seem more like sexual predators than a couple looking for some fun. The show opens with a threesome involving the Deckers and a klutzy young stewardess but before she’s even left the house, Mrs. Decker is already spying on the new neighbors and planning to put the moves on them.

The characters all felt flat to me: the calculating, over-sexed swingers, their innocent neighbors just waiting to be “educated,” the prude, the cokehead with a controlling husband and of course, all their children. Adolescent boys sneaking peeks at stolen copies of Penthouse, the dreamy high school girl waiting to be deflowered, all of them in the throes of sexual awakening . . . snore.

I have to say, I was bored. We’ve seen these themes and these characters before, and the bell-bottoms, huge sunglasses, and kitschy 70s décor weren’t enough to make it work. The show failed to explore the inevitable awkwardness and hilarity of its premise, leaving viewers with a gimmicky show lacking the kind of humanity that keeps us glued to the screen. Not to harsh your buzz.

Is Kelly Ripa Pregnant?

I know I’m jumping to conclusions, but someone is bound to say it and it might as well be me. This morning I was checking out the morning news online and listening to Regis and Kelly with half an ear when something piqued my interest: a vague teaser inviting viewers to tune in next week for a “big announcement.” And that was it. Neither Regis nor Kelly acknowledged it, and it wasn’t repeated before the end of the show. I’ve checked their site and can’t find any mention of it there, either. So while I’m not a gung-ho fan of the show, I now feel intrigued enough to tune in every day next week to find out if my hunch is right. What can I say? I’m committed.

Maybe I’m not being very imaginative in guessing that Kelly might be pregnant with her fourth child. I’m sure there are other exciting things the show could be announcing, but I just can’t think of any. Is Gelman going blond again? Will the show be broadcast from a bowling alley in Staten Island for a week?

Of course there details that don’t seem to support my hypothesis: while Kelly often wears drapey, loose-fitting tops, I still can’t spot anything that could be called a baby bump--so why make the announcement before she’s even showing? And at the beginning of the show she was talking with relish about drinking sangria tonight at a dinner party.

That said, Ms. Ripa was quoted in the June 9 issue of US Weekly as saying that a fourth child isn’t out of the question--in fact, it’s a topic she and husband Mark Consuelos talk about “all the time.” So maybe there’s a chance I’m right. Or I could be just another useless cog in the gossip mill. Either way, I’ll keep you posted!

Juno I'm Right.

Ok, now that the Hammer issue has been dealt with, I finally feel free to move on with my life. So let me just mention the Oscars.  I don't know if I'm so bitter and dried up now that I feel the need to be super-cynical about everything, but I just read that Ellen Paige, female star of Juno, received an Oscar nomination for Best Actress. Did you see this movie? I basically spent the first 30 minutes feeling so irritated that I wanted to barf, but I guess that was the writer's fault, because the words coming out of Juno's mouth were so stupid and gimmicky. However, when you choose a pen name like "Diablo Cody" I think it's pretty obvious that you're stupid and gimmicky in general.  Not to be judgmental or anything.  My least favorite moments include her telling the dog to "shut its gob" or something to that effect (which reminded me of something I'd write, specifically to be funny and weird, at age 14), and a painfully forced phone call to her friend which I guess was supposed to show just how quick-witted Ms. Cody, ahem, I mean, Juno, was supposed to be.  

But back to the performance in question.   I saw Ellen Paige in Hard Candy  where she also played a "precocious" teen, and so this role, for me--and I guess the other six people who saw Hard Candy--was nothing surprising. I guess the truth is that I'm just not very fond of this girl and her weird, cartoon-bear mouth area.  Seriously, what is the deal with her mouth area?  This is Garden State all over again.  Look at us, we like quirky "indie" flicks!  The Academy has street cred, yo! 

I guess you could say I know nothing about writing a screenplay, or about the art of acting, and I guess you'd be right.  But if I have to pay $9 and sit through a couple hours watching this stuff, which was made for people like me (I think), I'd say that's about all the information I need to have an opinion about it.  And overall I did like the story, but the best parts for me involved Jason Bateman and Jennifer Garner, who basically made me want to weep every time they came on screen. I guess it's because I'm getting old now and don't care about teenagers' antics anymore, just the sad, empty adults around them.  Or because they were the only real characters in the whole movie. Also I am in love with Jason Bateman. And Jennifer Garner, in a platonic way. How can she be so cute and not inspire any hatred? Where the hell is her nomination? I mean, if Ellen Paige gets one, then so should she.  If there was no Jennifer Garner, the movie would have felt pretty flat to me.

Oh, and a sign the apocalypse is drawing ever closer: the Moldy Peaches were on the View yesterday, singing the last song from the movie, and how do you think an audience full of old ladies swooning over the likes of Joy Behar and Elisabeth Hasselbeck responded? I'm pretty sure they were just confused.  (Or frightened, like the Moldy Peaches.)

To make up for my bitchiness please enjoy:

Swiffer, She Wrote

Well, it has taken me nigh six months to unravel the M.C. Hammer-Swiffer mystery.  First of all, in recalling the commercial, I had inadvertently combined two separate Swiffer commercials into one and for that I blame countless hours of watching tv, which has clearly left me with nothing more than what I affectionately refer to as "television gut" and early onset Alzheimer's (I regret nothing).  It's a catch-22 situation.   But since some genius has posted said commercial online, you can finally judge for yourself: 

As you can see, the defendant is not a soggy mop as I had described earlier (the soggy mop is too busy for these kinds of shenanigans--he's participating in a political debate), but rather a sad, impotent broom.  All that is beside the point, though, because I'm sure you'll agree that Mr. Broom's lawyer is irrefutably M.C. Hammer, Esquire.  And to that I say bravo, Mr. Hammer, it's good to see you working.  Indeed, it is Hammer Time once again. 

M.C. Hammer plays lawyer, hits courtroom with a dose of Oaktown power

There's a Swiffer Wet Jet commercial running on TV right now in which a woman is apparently suing her mop for failing to satisfy all of her mopping needs. And correct me if I'm wrong, but I swear that the mop's defense team is headed by none other than M.C. Hammer who, by the way, looks surprisingly flabbergasted when his client loses the case. I'm guessing he specifically coached the mop not to drip in such a lackadaisical fashion while being questioned by the prosecution. I wish I could throw around more impressive legal terms, but I'm part of that grossly under-represented minority of human beings who just can't bring themselves to watch Law and Order. In any of its forms. (It takes a lot of skill for someone who watches as much TV as I do to avoid the Law and Order franchise. USA Network has attempted to thwart me by playing at least 3-7 episodes of Law and Order on any given weeknight. Why do they hate me so much?) The only good Law and Order has ever brought to the world was Christopher Meloni's guest appearance on an episode of Mtv 2's Wonder Showzen, which educated viewers about the dangers of cooties:

Anyway, back to M.C. Hammer. I have been frantically searching the Net, but I can't find a clip of this ad to back my theory up. Don't worry, though--I am determined to find it. I have nothing but time on my hands.